Sometimes you have to fall...

So you can pick yourself back up and succeed. 

If you read my previous  post, it was not to positive. I was down in the dumps, recovering from a gym injury and binge eating...

I was eating because I was sad, I was eating because I was depressed, I was eating because I was hurt, anxious, happy, desperate, I was eating because I wanted to eat. For about 3 days straight I ate everything I could find and stuff in my mouth. It was BAD. And of course, as the cycle of binge eating goes because I was depressed that I ate all the cookies, I felt Fat,  so I ate more cookies... as if that would make me feel better?!

I remember one time I read an excerpt from the book "The Day I Ate Everything I Wanted" from  Elizabeth Berg, (Read the excerpt here) It felt a little like that. I was trying to stuff as much food in my mouth  before the day was over because obviously, I was starting my diet the next day. Isn't that what we always say, I'll start my diet tomorrow. Yeah well, tomorrow never comes. Eventually, after 3 days, I feel disgusting. I do not mean it as in I hate myself disgusting, literally, my body feels disgusting.  I mean can you imagine after three days of stuffing flour, fats, more fats and sugar down your throat, how would you feel?

After I loathed in my misery for a while I decided to do something...I went back to the drawing board. There has to be something lacking in my diet that is causing me to binge so out of control. I think it is to restrictive. I talked to a couple of friends who suggested I started counting macros to make sure I am getting enough nutrients. I will have a whole blog about macro nutrients. Right  whats important for you to now is that I am doing better. And I will be Successful at this. Sometimes you just have to fall to pick yourself back up and succeed.  

Tomorrow (no pun intended, or I should say later on today, it is 1 am here in California) I will post more info on macros and what my new nutrition plan and goals will be. Right now it is bed time. Good night my fellow bloggers.

LOSING MY GRIP

Feel that I am losing all control on my eating healthy situation. I feel so defeated and weak. I hate this feeling and I  do not know what to do. To make matters worse I injured myself at the gym. I have never suffered an injury from my workouts until yesterday. I dropped and 80 LBS dumbbell on my foot. Thankfully, it did not fall straight on, but it did bruise my foot and left me linmping. It is so unfortunate because I will be out of the gym for at least 2 days if not more. I am just trying to let it heal. Like I said I was lucky but at the same time devestated. I knew right away it would prevent me from giving 100%. I am already struggling with my diet and this was the last thing I needed. I am so depressed and wonder what it will take for me to get  back on "the wagon". I feel so desperate. I had never fell   off so bad  and I can not see an end. I need help.

The down side to losing it

For this of you who have been following me for a while you know this journey has not been easy. Like many of you, I've had ups and down and time where I just went round and round...literally. Although, I am not at the end of my goals I am much closer than before and I am actually pretty thin; thinner than I have ever been before. With this, comes many comments, some even unwanted. I've never thought I'd  be here. I am the lowest health weight that I've ever been, between 124-127. And sometimes people don't understand my fitness goals. I get all sort of comment and reactions such as "you look like a twig " "eat a sandwich" "Do you eat" "girl you're so skinny". You might be thinking, oh well why is she complaining, I'd be lying to you if I didn't want these type of comments at one point. But it's much more than that. People have shoved food in my face even after I said I didn't want any. To be honest my goal isn't to be skinny it's to be fit and I have a long way to go. I have to learn to ignore comments and actions and keep focused. It's weird to be on the other side of the spectrum, where before it was comments like "you sure you want seconds" or "someone gained weight", rude comments  are still hurtful sometimes, even when your "skinny".

Is anyone there, Hello it's me Debora

I have been thinking about blogging for a real long time but I just had not done it until now. In many ways, I am glad because I don't want it to be like before. I want to feel committed and see this through, which I do, Now. I came back because this is helpful for me. Not only can I clear my mind but it also makes me feel accountable. I want to continue my journey with fitness and exercise. I have came so far yet, it seem like I keep sabotaging my own goals and I don't know why. Am I scared that I will never get there? Am I scare that when i do, I wont like it? I mean what does even getting there mean? It is not a certain place, location or anything. How will I even know when I am there? Am I there now? Well, I don't know for certain but I know that as far as my fitness goals,  I am not there yet but I am close. Although,  have recently felt discouraged I wil not give up. I know I have a long way to go but I can not feel discouraged. I will not give up. I am 100% determined and focused. This time it will be different, I know it.

2013

Happy 2013 everyone!!!
I hope everyone had a fabulous New Years I know I did. I spent it with my best friend her boyfriend from New Zeland and my boyfriend.  So much has been happening since I last blogged. I want to make more of an effort to blog. It's mainly for me and it helps get my thoughts down so I am glad to be back. As I told you a couple blogs ago this mainly started as a fitness/weight loss but I want to shift it to focus on everything: health, beauty, love, life, advice etc., so as fitting this being my new post of 2013 I want to talk about my New Years resolutions

Here they are in no specific order:
-finally get the body of my dreams, I deserve it!! I am not talking about a specific goal weight or to be skinny I am talking about fit, healthy and strong.
- eat clean for 90 days. Ideally this would continue for the rest of the year but I need a place to start
- run more
- organize and prioritize and spend my time wisely.
- enjoy life, take time to appreciate what I am doing.
- be more grateful
- love more and give more
- travel more I want to go to the Grand Canyon, Tahoe, Vegas, and or Chicago or Washington, D.C.
- be able to do 20 pull ups by the end of the year
- go for a jog in sports bra and shorts/pants no shirt :)
- sleep more  I work grave yard hours, this one will be tough
-take the GRE and GMAT and do well
-Apply to grad schools/ peace corps

So here is my list, it's a little long but it will be great to see how many of these things I accomplished. What are your New Years resolutions?

Big girls don't cry, or do they?

Today was a bad day, it was just one of those days where nothing seems to go right. I had to go to the beloved DMV which I am sure most of you know is the Department of Motor Vehicles. I just purchased a car, my official first car and it is all fun and games until you have to foot the bill. Well I paid around $400 in tax, registration, title change, etc. That just put me in a bad mood, not like I was angry I was just sad and frustrated It seems like I can never get a break. If it is not one thing it is another and it is frustrating. I pay for all my things and sometimes it would be nice if i had help but I don't, I am an adult after all :(. Then I came home in the afternoon and was going to start doing homework but could not find my charger and I started crying. It was just a combination of my day, I am in week 5 of my quarter system which means things are picking up (like assignments and exams), I am stressed everything just culminated in a big crying feast and me feeling sorry for myself. My boyfriend came over and helped me look forthe charger which we finally foun in my backpack ...lol, w I was relived I have an assignment due tomorrow. We left for him to get dinner and when I get home my father and younger sister start poking fun at me at the fact that I was crying and it was the straw that broke the camales back. I stormed out of the house crying at 10pm and left to Starbucks to do my homework. It is almost 12 and instead of being home I am sitting in m car writing this blog, I do not want to go home yet. My dad really did nothing wrong but it was the last thing I needed after a crappy day. I feel better now and I just have to pick up the pieces, put my girl panties on and face my problems.

New Year's Resolution

Hello fellow Bloggers,
How are you all doing? Can you believe that we are half way through October. Time flies and pretty soon we will be welcoming 2013. There are exactly 73 days until we ring in the New Year. Most people celebrate the New Year by making resolutions on how to better themselves whether it is to quit smoking, quit caffeine and one of the most popular to lose weight/ get in shape. All this New Year talk has made me reflect on my own resolutions and goals. But the fact of the matter is that we do not have to wait until January 1 to begin this we can start this TODAY. So why not....?
I really want to re-evaluate my goals and what I want for myself in my personal life. Focusing on my health is my number one priority and lately my eating habits have not been the best. I seem to have forgotten my own goals and have submerged in the busy task of my day to day life. I go to school full time, I work a part time grave yard, I am in a serious relationship, ETC. There are a lot of things keeping me busy lately but the fact of the matter is that my health needs to be my priority as well. I notice that when I don't eat healthy mentally I am not 100% committed to what I am doing. When I eat high calorie foods I become lethargic, lazy, I do not seem to want to do much. My feelings toward my physical image are also not the most positive, which leads me to over thinking, being negative. It is just a bad cycle. This has lead me to the conclusion that I can either quit on my goals and focus on something else or I can re-evaluate what I want and focus and do what I have to do. There are no reason for me to quit just unjustified excuses.
There are other things I have been thinking about too, for example, I want to transition this blog to more than just my weight loss/health journey into an overall blog about my life. Of course this will include my weight loss but I want to talk about other things too. That is the reason why I started my Abs diet blog.  My Abs diet blog will mainly focus on diet, exercise, weight-loss and this blog will have a little of everything about my personal life. So wish me luck on my journey and follow both of my blogs please.